Weekly Picks and Arbitrary Power Rankings- Say Good-Bye to the Colts While You Still Can

I’ve been slacking, folks. Two straight weeks without a picks column! I honestly have no idea how you people put up with me. I can just imagine your disappoint every Saturday when you check the site, hoping to find a picks column, being let down time and again, muttering profanities under your breath. Well mutter no more! The Weekly Picks are back and I’m even throwing in some Power Rankings just to really drive home my apology. I know it’s been a while, but remember that home teams are in bold. Let it begin!

Patriots over Colts, 5:30 pm

This will actually be the only pick I stop to talk about in this particular issue, because I just can’t not. Obviously there is a lot of hype surrounding this game, not because it’s going to be a good matchup, but because fans are wondering if the Patriots can actually manage to score 100 points. This re-match of last year’s AFC Championship game (which New England won handily, 45-7) is bolstered by another big storyline; the Colts were the team to accuse the Patriots of deflating footballs to give themselves a competitive advantage. I’m not sure how the air pressure in the Patriots’ footballs made Andrew Luck throw for only 126 yards and 2 interceptions, but yeah alright. The point here is that the Patriots are plenty pissed off, no matter what generic interview answers they’ve been spouting all week, and Colts fan should just accept now that they’re about to watch Luck and the boys get crushed yet again. If history is any indicator for the future, Luck’s Colts have never lost to the Patriots by less than 21 points. I don’t think I’ve been this excited to watch someone get tossed around since the last time I saw an episode of Bully Beatdown. To the rest of the picks!

  • Falcons over Saints
  • Jets over Redskins
  • Cardinals over Steelers
  • Vikings over Chiefs
  • Bengals over Bills
  • Bears over Lions
  • Browns over Broncos
  • Jaguars over Texans
  • Titans over Dolphins
  • Packers over Chargers
  • 49ers over Ravens
  • Eagles over Giants

There they are! Love them, hate them, question their foundations, but those are our picks for the week! Obviously, the Falcons and Saints played on Thursday night, but I wanted to include my original pick for that game instead of pretending that I had the Saints to win the whole time. Now we can get into some Power Rankings, and let me tell you, I really do owe a huge debt to the Saints on this one. Earlier this week I thought I’d have to rank the six remaining undefeated teams, but lo and behold, there are now only five squads without a loss in their record. I think this just goes to show that Brady’s Quest for 5™ is really being embraced league-wide, and we’d really like to thank the entire Saints organization for their solidarity and support in this matter.

Undefeated Team Power Rankings

  1. New England Patriots. The undefeated defending champions have yet to show any real sign of weakness. There are a few questions in the secondary, but improved play along the defensive line and linebacker corps have overshadowed those flaws thus far. Not to mention that Brady is torching defenses just in case anyone ever believed that he needed to deflate footballs to play at a high level.
  2. Cincinnati Bengals. After Cincinnati’s comeback win against Seattle last Sunday, they can count me among the believers. Andy Dalton’s yards per attempt are second in the league and he’s managed to avoid turning the ball over, which I always thought was one of his personal hobbies. The wealth of talent at Dalton’s disposal has the Bengals looking like a legitimate contender.
  3. Green Bay Packers. Even in Jordy Nelson’s absence, Aaron Rodgers has thrown for 1,236 yards and 13 touchdowns while single-handedly reviving James Jones’ career in the process. A shaky running game has been buoyed by excellent play from the defense which played an important role in helping the Packers stay undefeated despite Rodgers’ two interceptions against the Rams last week.
  4. Denver Broncos. Denver’s defense is on an unprecedented run, sealing four out of five wins with either a turnover or defensive touchdown in the last few minutes of the game. Pick-six against the Ravens, fumble recovered for a touchdown in Kansas City, fumble recovered during the Vikings’ would-be game winning drive, and a pick-six to seal a win over the Raiders in an unimaginably tight game. The Broncos are second-to-last on our list because Peyton Manning can’t carry this team when their defensive luck runs out. He’s thrown 6 touchdowns and 7 interceptions in 5 games. You do the math.
  5. Carolina Panthers. Last, and certainly least, are the Panthers. With victories against the Jaguars, Texans, Saints, and Buccaneers, you just get the feeling that this team isn’t going to hold up down the stretch. Cam Newton leads them into Seattle this week for what will be their first real test of the season. Should they be able to find victory in the Emerald City, Ron’s boys might make the leap about Mr. Noodle’s squad next week.

Don’t agree with these picks and rankings? Want to tell me that I’m an idiot? The comments section is the place for you! Otherwise, go watch some gosh darned college football and get started on the Colts funeral arrangements. Until next time!



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