Let me just start by saying, THERE’S SO MUCH TO SAY!! First of all, the Patriots are Super Bowl champions!! If you’re not familiar with this blog, it would help you to know that I am an unapologetic Patriots fan of about 11 years now, 10 years of my young life. I’m the guy in your fantasy league that drafted Tom Brady while he was suspended because I never believed he’d sit a game (hi haters!). In an offseason full of Roger Goodell’s ineptitude, the general hate of lesser teams, falsehoods and speculations being presented as facts, and mostly Roger Goodell’s ineptitude, us Patriots fans became a little jaded towards the rest of the league. It may take a little while for me to get the chip off of my shoulder, and by “little while” I mean “entire season”, so bear with me if I blow up on occasion.
But hey, water under the bridge, am I right? The blessing of football’s return is that we can forget all of those stupid media-mongered offseason storylines and focus on what really matters, which is grown men colliding into each other at full speed while also performing other cool tricks like catching a football with just one of their ginormous hands or spinning around another full-speed-grown-man who is trying to collide with them. Exciting stuff here, people. On top of all the real people playing sports on your tv/laptop/phone screen, you can draft those humans on to a fictional team and collect points based on an arbitrary scoring system to compete against your friends and forget to finish that weekend project your boss assigned you to! Football season really is a magical time of year.
In my heavily biased opinion, the most important narrative behind this season is Tom Brady’s quest for a fifth Super Bowl ring, a mountaintop that no quarterback has ever reached before him. The champion-turned-villain-turned-vindicated hero has the opportunity to surpass his childhood hero and former greatest quarterback in history, Joe Montana, who himself was 4-0 in America’s Biggest Game. What with Brady’s Quest for 5™ and it being the 2015 season, I figured, “Hey, why not be all cute and thematic and do some lists about 5 things readers should know going into the season?” Not even I would pass on an idea that great. So without further ado…
The Five Rookies You Need to Know
- Jameis Winston- This one is pretty self-explanatory. One of college football’s most-hyped quarterbacks in recent memory, Winston may be the final weight that pushes Tampa Bay over the “so much young talent” edge this season. If the Bucs can’t perform well with Winston, Buccaneer apologists like myself may have to finally give up on them ever contending and order that Bortles jersey that’s been sitting in our NFLshop.com cart for four months.
- Ameer Abdullah- Remember when Melvin Gordon broke the CFB record for rushing yards in a single game? Abdullah broke that record merely a week later. The better Big 10 running back with way less media hype surrounding him, expect Abdullah to be an explosive, versatile weapon for a Lions team that may be ready to take its place atop the NFC North.
- Amari Cooper- Cooper, who spent his college years embarrassing SEC defenses, was drafted by the Raiders in the first round of the 2015 draft. His impeccable footwork and scorching speed will make him the season’s most exciting rookie. Remember his name.
- Tyler Lockett- Lockett will be a welcome addition to a Seahawks receiving corps that has lacked explosive playmaking since Golden Tate left town. Lockett’s speed out of the slot will provide with plenty of mismatches and opportunities to put Seattle on the scoreboard
- Trey Flowers- Malcolm Brown may be the rookie D-lineman Patriots fans are most excited about, but after a preseason campaign of wreaking pure havoc, Flowers has made it clear that he will contribute plenty to New England’s defensive effort this season.
The Five Most Over-Used Phrases Announcers Will Abuse This Season
- “Speed kills, Joe. Speed kills.”
- “He stuck his hat in there and would not be denied on that play”
- “His coaches and teammates were really impressed by his work ethic all summer”
- “He’s a young guy who really came in and got straight to work, which is what they like about him”
- “Touchdown, Patriots!”
The NFL’s Five Best Defensive Backs
- Earl Thomas, Seahawks
- Darelle Revis, New Jersey Jesters
- Tyrann Mathieu, Cardinals
- Devin McCourty, Patriots
- Joe Haden, Browns
The Five Cities That Would Make Me Immediately Consider Retirement Were I A Player Over the Age of 31 and Was Traded There
- Minneapolis, Minnesota
- Oakland, California
- Jacksonville, Florida
- Nashville, Tennessee
- East Rutherford, New Jersey (This would be first on the list, but it’s New Jersey. Can’t bring myself to put them first in anything)
The Five Teams I Will Enjoy Watching the Patriots Beat the Most
- Colts (obvious reasons)
- Jets (x2)
- Broncos (I’ll be there live!)
- Dolphins (Always good to rub that one in my dad’s face)
Not the lists you were expecting, eh? If there’s one thing you’ll learn here at 4th & Gyas, it’s that we will never, EVER succumb to mainstream media’s expectations for a sports blog. Screw the system, maaan. Stay tuned later this week for fantasy advice, bold (read: misguided) predictions, and our world-famous weekly picks! DOWN WITH THE MAN.